10 Steps to Understand and Deal With Anger in Healthy Ways

What to Do With Anger: Understanding Its Purpose and Embracing Healthy Expression

This morning, I felt a surge of anger that hit me harder than my morning coffee. My favourite Barbour wool jumper — the one that made me feel like a cozy, effortlessly stylish countryside queen — had been shrunk into something that would now only fit a very chic toddler. The culprit? The washing machine. Or rather, me, for throwing it in there like an amateur, fully knowing it should have gone to the dry cleaner. But in my pre-New Year “let’s-clean-the-entire-world” frenzy, I decided my jumper could take one for the team. Spoiler: It couldn’t.

And then there was Jordan. Bless him, he’s many things — a good friend, a great dad — but a laundry wizard, he is not. This wasn’t his first crime either. Not long ago, he washed my brand-new white-and-blue John Lewis jumper with the darks, and it came out looking like it had just spent a week at Glastonbury. Hundreds of pounds’ worth of clothes ruined in the name of well-meaning incompetence.

I know, in the grand scheme of life, this might sound trivial. But in that moment, the anger was real, raw, and completely disproportionate. And here’s the thing about anger: It’s never just about the jumper. It’s a signal — a big, flashing neon sign that something is off. Maybe it’s boundaries, unmet expectations, or a desperate need for better laundry skills in the house. But when we approach anger with curiosity instead of judgment, it can actually teach us a lot about ourselves. Even if the lesson starts with wool and hot water.

What Purpose Does Anger Serve?

Anger is not inherently bad — it’s an emotional signal that demands our attention. When channeled thoughtfully, it can become a tool for growth, protection, and even transformation. Let’s explore the key purposes anger serves in our lives:

1. Boundary Enforcement

Anger often flares up when our personal boundaries are crossed, like a built-in alarm system signaling that something isn’t right. This might happen when someone disrespects us, violates our values, or ignores our needs. Anger’s role here is to push us to act — to protect ourselves, assert our needs, and re-establish those boundaries.

For example:

•   Feeling angry when someone interrupts your much-needed alone time can be a sign to set clearer boundaries about your space.
•   Anger in a relationship might highlight a pattern of behavior that’s undermining your sense of respect or safety.

Without anger, we might let these violations slide, leading to resentment or burnout. With it, we’re prompted to take action and protect our wellbeing.

2. A Catalyst for Change

Anger is often the spark that ignites change, both personally and collectively. It’s the emotion that says, “This is not okay, and it needs to change.”

Think of social justice movements, where anger over inequality and injustice has driven powerful revolutions. On a personal level, anger might push you to leave a toxic job, advocate for yourself, or address a long-standing issue in your life.

Anger compels us to question the status quo and take steps toward something better. It’s the force that turns frustration into momentum, whether it’s tackling systemic issues or cleaning up the metaphorical (or literal) mess in your own life.

3. Self-Awareness

Anger acts as a mirror, reflecting what truly matters to us. If something triggers anger, it’s often tied to deeper values, unmet needs, or unresolved wounds.

For instance:

•   Anger over being interrupted might reveal a need for respect or recognition.
•   Anger about losing a favorite possession might highlight an attachment to the comfort and security it provided.

By examining your anger, you can gain valuable insights into what’s important to you and why. It can help you identify areas of your life where you’re out of alignment or need to focus your attention.

4. Emotional Release

Anger, like any other emotion, needs to be expressed. Bottling it up might keep the peace temporarily, but it often leads to physical and emotional stress, manifesting as tension, fatigue, or even health issues over time.

Healthy expression of anger — whether it’s through movement, art, conversation, or even a good scream into a pillow — can bring immense relief. It clears the emotional backlog, making room for clarity and calm.

Think of anger as a storm: it’s intense, but once it’s passed, the air feels fresher, and you can see things more clearly. By allowing anger to move through you (in constructive ways), you avoid letting it fester or explode later on.

What My Anger Was Really About

At first glance, my anger over the jumper seemed simple enough — my favourite piece of clothing, carelessly ruined. But as I sat with that surge of emotion, it became clear that the anger wasn’t really about the jumper. It wasn’t just about Jordan’s laundry mistakes or even my own rushed decision to throw it in with the wash in a cleaning frenzy. The jumper was simply the trigger — the tip of the iceberg.

Beneath that anger were deeper feelings, frustrations, and unmet needs bubbling beneath the surface. Here’s what that anger was really highlighting for me:

1. A Need for Control in Chaos

The New Year’s clean-up wasn’t just about tidying my space; it was about creating order in my life. Clearing the clutter felt like a way to regain control, to start the year with a clean slate. When the jumper came out of the wash ruined, it shattered that illusion of control. It was a stark reminder that, no matter how much we plan or try to organise, some things are simply beyond our grasp — and that’s an uncomfortable truth to face.

The anger wasn’t about the jumper; it was about my deeper struggle to feel grounded and in control amidst the chaos of life.

2. Resentment Over Emotional Labour

Jordan washing the jumper wasn’t just a simple laundry mistake — it felt like another instance in a long pattern. It triggered a sense of frustration about carrying the mental load of knowing how things should be done. It wasn’t just about the ruined jumper or the greyed-out John Lewis sweater; it was about the unspoken expectation that I’ll always be the one to notice, guide, or sort things out.

The anger was pointing me towards an unmet need for partnership — for the weight of everyday responsibilities to feel more evenly shared.

3. Exhaustion From Overextending Myself

I realised that the anger wasn’t just about the moment — it was about being stretched too thin. In my rush to clean and organise, I had ignored my own need to rest, reflect, and be intentional. The ruined jumper was the spark that ignited a fire already burning low within me: exhaustion.

The anger was a reminder to slow down, prioritise myself, and approach life with more care rather than rushing through the motions.

What the Anger Taught Me

Sitting with my anger and peeling back the layers wasn’t easy, but it revealed so much about where I was emotionally and mentally. It showed me:

•   The value of letting go: Some things (and some jumpers) are beyond saving, and clinging to frustration only drains more energy.
•   The importance of boundaries: Not just with others, but with myself — honouring my limits and not pushing too hard.
•   The need for clearer communication: Rather than stewing in resentment, I needed to express my feelings and set expectations with Jordan.
•   The beauty in imperfection: Life is messy. Clothes get ruined. But it’s in embracing these imperfections that we find moments of growth and connection.

Transforming the Anger

By reflecting on the deeper roots of my anger, I was able to let it go in a way that felt constructive. Instead of snapping or bottling it up, I acknowledged the emotions for what they were: a signpost pointing me towards areas in my life that needed attention.

The ruined jumper wasn’t the real issue, but it was a powerful teacher. Sometimes, it’s the small things that shine a light on the bigger picture — if we’re willing to pause, listen, and learn.

Why This Matters

Anger isn’t just a “negative” emotion to suppress or ignore — it’s a teacher, a motivator, and a guide. When we learn to listen to what it’s telling us, anger can help us create stronger boundaries, align with our values, and take action in ways that truly serve us.

So the next time you feel anger bubbling up, ask yourself:

•   What boundary is being tested?
•   What change is this anger calling for?
•   What deeper need is it revealing?
•   How can I express this in a way that clears the air and serves my growth?

By answering these questions, you can transform anger from a destructive force into a powerful ally.

Why Does Anger Arise?

Anger is often triggered by:

•   Injustice: When we or others are treated unfairly.
•   Hurt or Fear: Underneath anger, there’s often pain, fear, or vulnerability.
•   Frustration: When our efforts to achieve something are blocked.
•   Violation of Values: When something conflicts with our core beliefs.

Recognising the root of your anger is the first step in addressing it constructively.

Healthy Ways to Deal With Anger

1.   Pause and Acknowledge

Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to recognise your anger. Labelling it—“I’m feeling angry”—can help you step back and process it more mindfully.

2.   Identify the Underlying Cause

Ask yourself: Why am I angry? Is it about a specific situation, unmet needs, or deeper fears? Understanding the root cause can help you address it effectively.

3.   Practice Physical Release

Anger is a high-energy emotion, and physical activity can help release it:

•   Go for a run, punch a pillow, or dance it out.
•   Practices like yoga or tai chi can also help channel energy in a calming way.

4.   Express Yourself Constructively

Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings without blaming others:

•   Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
•   Try: “I feel unheard when I share my thoughts.”

5.   Engage in Creative Outlets

Art, writing, music, or other forms of creativity can help you process anger and turn it into something meaningful.

6.   Practice Mindful Techniques

Grounding practices like deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation can help regulate intense feelings.

7.   Set Boundaries

If your anger stems from a boundary violation, assert your needs calmly but firmly. Saying “no” or redefining expectations can protect your emotional wellbeing.

8.   Channel Anger Into Action

Direct your anger toward constructive goals. For example, if you’re angry about an issue at work, use that energy to brainstorm solutions or advocate for change.

9.   Seek Support

Talk to someone you trust—whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist. Sharing your feelings can help you process them more effectively.

10.   Forgive (When Ready)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning bad behaviour; it’s about releasing anger that no longer serves you. Forgiveness can free up emotional energy for growth.

What Not to Do With Anger

•   Don’t Suppress It: Repressing anger can lead to physical tension, chronic stress, and emotional outbursts later on.
•   Avoid Overreacting: Explosive expressions of anger can damage relationships and cause regret.
•   Don’t Dwell on It: Rumination can amplify anger, making it harder to let go.

The Transformative Power of Anger

Let me be real with you: I’m quite hot-headed. Anger is something I’m constantly having to work through, and it’s one of the most difficult things for me to manage. When I see red, my first instinct isn’t to take a deep breath and calmly reflect. It’s to react. Whether I’m wrestling my toddler into his car seat or mourning the loss of an expensive jumper shrunk in the wash, my go-to emotion is anger. If I’m being totally honest, sometimes it feels closer to full-blown rage.

But here’s what I’ve learned — and what I’m still learning every day: anger is rarely just about the surface frustration. More often than not, there’s sadness or vulnerability buried beneath it. Anger is like my body’s way of protecting me from those deeper feelings, wrapping them in spikes so they’re harder to access.

The truth is, it takes real effort for me to regulate my nervous system before I can do anything positive with my anger. Walking away, breathing deeply, and letting the initial intensity subside doesn’t come naturally to me. But I’ve found that when I create space to calm down and reflect, I’m able to see what’s really going on beneath the anger — and that’s when the real work begins.

So, if you’re reading this and thinking I’ve got it all figured out, let me assure you, I don’t. This isn’t easy for me, and it might not be easy for you either. But the process of working through anger — of giving it space, understanding it, and transforming it into something constructive — is worth the effort.

Sometimes, I still lose my cool. But each time I try to pause, breathe, and reflect, I’m giving myself (and those around me) a little more grace. And for now, that’s enough.

The next time anger bubbles up, try to pause — if you can — and take a moment to really listen to what it’s trying to tell you. It’s not easy, but with practice, you can start to respond in a way that feels true to your values. Over time, anger can become less of a destructive force and more of a tool for growth and meaningful change.

In Creativity, Connection (and Sacred Rage)

Rosie x

Photo Information: The image for today's blog I took in a shoot I did last year with my beautiful client Meg, where she embodies sacred rage and physical release.